[Editorial] On Mental Health In The Music Industry & Being Human

I’m just going to start off by being blunt: depression and anxiety are two asshole bullies who just love to point out all of your shortcomings. On their own, they’re persistent and menacing but when they get together, they can be deadly. They will tell you that literally everything should be feared and that you’re not worthy of your dreams. They’ll tell you everything you don’t want to hear about yourself, and you’ll listen because it has to be true, right? So you’ll either go through life pretending everything is peachy because you’re afraid to feel anything uncomfortable until it catches up to you or you’ll be like me and listen to it all for years until it drives you completely insane to the point of no return.

Maybe it’s my personality type (INFJ) mixed with me being an HSP (highly sensitive person) blended in with all my other eccentricities that are a deadly combination but as fucked up and shitty as I often feel, I’m trying to train my brain to just feel it out, accept it, move on, and grow from it. However, when you’re in the dumps the majority of the time, trying to be positive isn’t easy and everyone just loves to point that out.

Sometimes anxiety and depression have a way of teaching us things if we look closely. For a while there, I was the type of person who needed an intricate reason for every struggle. I wanted to see proof that what I went through wasn’t all in vain because with depression it’s so easy to place yourself in that victim mentality where the world is against you. Lately, as I’ve gotten older and a bit more jaded, I’m getting to the point where constantly searching for a reason is exhausting and maybe we just go through all this awful shit because its trying to mold us into better people. On the days when I can’t get out of bed because I’m dreading another day of being inside my own head all day, this is what I try to force myself to remember. I’m also trying to shake being jaded. So far, no luck. I’m afraid I’ve witnessed too much. Ask me again in a couple of years.

I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days where I felt as if the world would be better off without me in it. I often wake up feeling like I will always be in a dark place; that I don’t belong here and I was only born to suffer and feel helpless. There came a time when I just accepted it instead of berating myself for feeling shitty because we all know the world does enough of that already. I appreciate my good days a lot more now, but there’s always that thought looming in the back of my mind wondering when something will go wrong and fuck up my vibe. Is this overly cynical? Possibly. But it’s my life, and no one has lived my life but me. I urge everyone who has ever judged someone for being depressed to try on the shoes of another. It might shift your perspective.

I think part, if not all, of the stigmas surrounding mental health stems from a lack of empathy in our society. People hate to feel uncomfortable, and when you think about it, the reasoning is rather selfish. If someone around them is sad, for some fucked up reason they lash out at those hurting instead of trying to understand, thus making the person dealing with those overwhelming thoughts feel even worse for burdening others with their existence. So we isolate. We keep everything bottled up inside. We ruminate in our solitude. This is why people often feel like help is out of reach. This is why those suffering do so in silence because we feel as if we are not allowed to feel these things and like everything we do, say, and feel is wrong.

However, the worst part of this, at least for me, is that those who make us feel unworthy are most likely hurting too. Instead of sticking together and fighting it as a team (or just being a decent human being), they’ve chosen to divide us, preventing any meaningful connection. I also don’t understand how those who preach about mental health are the same people who go around bullying others or who stay silent when they see others (especially those they call “friends”) being harassed. It makes no sense. I just urge those people to wake up and realize that they’re doing more harm than good.

Mental health is an issue that surrounds just about every industry, but I can only speak for my own. If you’re a part of the music industry, you know exactly where this is headed. It doesn’t matter where you’ve worked or who you know. Everyone has a story. Everyone has questioned their part. It’s always there hovering over our heads and as long as people continue to be shitty to one another, the stigma is not going anywhere.

I’ve always felt that I don’t fit in anywhere, but I’ve come to realize that is a good thing. It opens my eyes to the bullshit I see happening within the industry – the politics, the “cancelling,” the way others concern themselves with things that don’t even affect them, the schooling, the toxicity of social media, the lack of support and community. Let’s not even get into how everyone has an opinion on what you’re doing. It’s impossible to please everyone, so save yourself the headaches and the drama and do what makes you happy! Those people aren’t you and they don’t know what goes on during your day, so how could they possibly think they’ve got you figured out?

I’ve observed enough to come to the conclusion that I have no desire to involve myself in that nonsense. If fitting into the scene means going along with all of that then count me out. I’m lucky to have a small circle of people whom I admire and trust so I tend to stay in my own little corner & do what makes me happy. I’m not looking to be perfect or be in the spotlight and I have no issue being the underdog anymore.

When you guys reach out and tell me how much you love TDL & how we’re teaching you things about pitching to blogs/running a small site, it just proves that you don’t need to look, act, and write like everyone else to be successful. Believe me, when you keep telling yourself you’re not doing enough and then you continue to get crapped on, hearing that you’re actually doing a good job from those who understand your not-so-typical vision is a very rewarding feeling.

I’ve been listening to a lot of Maggie Rogers lately, and her song “Light On” struck a chord with me. When her song “Alaska” went unexpectedly viral after a chance meeting with Pharrell during an NYU Masterclass in 2016, Rogers found herself in the middle of an overwhelming wave of uncertainty if a life in the spotlight was what she really wanted. The opening line of, “Would you believe me now / If I told you I got caught up in a wave? / Almost gave it away,” is exactly how I have felt within the past three years.

I’ve wanted to shut it all down. Stop writing. Stop caring. Just start new. I’ve even contemplated ending TDL because I felt a million negative forces swirling around in my head. But then I thought about how hard I’ve worked and all I still want to achieve. I think about you guys and how we’re all just kindreds nerding out to our favorite bands like high school kids. I think about my two angels, Dora & Naty, who have been by my side since day one and beyond and I can’t imagine where I’d be without their love, guidance, talents, and most of all, friendship. I’ve learned at a very young age that it is possible to remove yourself from the negativity and shine on your own with your tribe. I honestly can’t say I’m proud of many things in my life more than I am proud of TDL.

The chorus sums it up beautifully, as music often does. “If you keep reaching out then I’ll keep coming back / But if you’re gone for good then I’m okay with that / If you leave the light on then I’ll leave the light on.” We may not have a massive following, but we have something better: a dedicated, organic following. That’s enough to leave the lights on in my book.

Though I’ve only been writing professionally for seven years, I’ve definitely experienced my share of burnout. The amount of stress in this industry when you fully immerse yourself in it (which I made the mistake of doing a few years ago) is absolutely mind-boggling. It’s so hard to meet kindhearted people in the music industry. I feel like you always have to have your guard up because you never know who is getting ready to fuck you over and rip you apart.

This is an industry of take, take, take, and the more you give, the more you’ll be taken advantage of. I don’t like hurting people, and I feel like that’s all people do here, and if you feel the way I do, you’re labeled as a “pussy” who can’t handle the industry. This is why I don’t involve myself in this charade anymore. I’ve decided not to tolerate it because it only drags me down and makes me feel shitty about myself. I operate based off of kindness and respect but make no mistake, I am no one’s doormat. The way I see it is if people weren’t so shitty in the first place, the morale around here would be a lot more brighter. But hey, what do I know?

There’s no worse feeling than hopelessness, and once you’ve caught the bug, it’s a bitch trying to rid yourself of it. Here’s what society doesn’t tell you: Anxiety is normal. Depression is normal. Overthinking is normal. Feeling shit that’s not too ideal is normal too. It’s what makes you human. If you want to be an ass that follows the masses, no one is stopping you. You’ll be in the majority but you’ll lose your humanity the second you step on someone. The choice is yours. I’ll choose empathy and compassion over contributing to a toxic environment any day.

The only way to combat our mental health struggles is to keep fighting, keep breathing, and keep talking about it while losing ourselves in the music that defines us. Most days, it’s the only thing we have.

We have to continue to be the change we want to see, no matter how hard the fight may be. <3